Thursday, August 11, 2016


I have been swimming a lot lately and was thinking in the cool water last night how floating along in my lane looking up was just so peaceful. When your ears are under water and your body is weightless there is a peace and a moment of letting go that feels so alive. It’s a sweet moment these days as I have had some heavy things going on and life decisions and transitions to think about.

My father is in hospice, I might have to move, school is challenging me, and my heart that loves Jesus still wants a life partner to journey with. In those sweet moments of feeling the water and being lighter then when outside I feel like I can fully surrender to whatever lies before me. My eyes are up and I’m not worried or filled with anxious thoughts.

My tears for losses can’t be seen and judged by others in the water. It’s a safe place of an equal playing field where my body doesn’t hold me back and I don’t have to fight tears but can let them flow when I need to let them go. I can process that pain of losses and leave them outside the blue water. Its refreshing and clears my head of the fog I feel when consumed with this life. I can see Jesus more clearly loving me from a far when I push Him away because I think I can do it on my own.

I can see His love is right there with me, holding me, and making me feel at peace in the midst of a storm.  It is what makes me feel alive. A cool thing I read this morning reminded me to be rooted in this love. It’s really a prayer that anyone can pray today.  

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Are you waiting for your life to start once you have it all together?

Have you got the right job? Have you found the right relationship mate? Are in great physical shape? Do you have enough money to feel safe? Have you got the great place to live? Do you have a good car? Are you well rounded enough? Do you have the right friends influencing you? Are you giving enough? Are you to selfish? Do you have enough education? Are you still scared? Are you swimming in circles and struggling? What will make you happy? Will you really be happy if you get ALL of these things to make you feel safe? What is the dream you have been putting on hold tell you get these things and are "ready" to finally pursue it?

Maybe you are really just living in a fish bowl swimming in the same circle with the same silly obstacle's in your path. We have all see those fish aquariums with the funky trees and oddities floating around. We all laugh as the fish can't figure out how to get around them. Have you considered that maybe everyone outside your small tank can see those things you keep bumping into and smile that you keep hitting them.

Don't keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. That is the definition of insanity. Listen when people tell you or give you warning about those things that keep blocking your path. Yes, it is true that sometimes people don't have the best intentions when they share that unsolicited advice but then sometimes they do have a good point. Sometimes it is just so painstakingly obvious that your oblivious to what you really need to make a change in your world inside your tank to make it right.

You can keep asking yourself all those probing questions and keep believing you can't go for your dreams because you have not yet "arrived" to that place of "having it all together" but then your going to miss out. Stop waiting for your life to start and be content with who you are today. You have to like yourself right where you are in your journey to grow as a person. The reality is that great things happened in this world because of imperfect people who had flaws and were on the path.

You may not feel accepted in the awkward place your in while your still figuring it out and working through all those places in your life that feel a little out of control but don't let that stop you from going for it. Keep walking forward. Take these steps.

First you have to see that you can do it even if it looks impossible from your situation of where you are at the moment. The next step is to map out a plan of action. Write out what you want and make a plan. If your not sure how to do it then get community. You have to realize that you are not alone. 

 Second, you need community of people who will accept you for who you are and love you. Even while your finding that community there is one who will always accept you and love you just as you are. God loves you like that. Don't give up if the first community you try out doesn't seem to fit. Take God with you and trust you will find a place to belong to that supports you in your dreams. Once you find some community you will find encouragement to keep going and taking those steps in your plan against all odds.

Thirdly, you have to see the truth of the matter. The truth of the matter is that you are still going to struggle. You are still going to have to fight everything that is within you that tells you that you will not succeed. The truth is also that if you fail to plan you are planning to fail. Enlist people and resources you can find to help you. The truth is also that sometimes we have to walk a little blindly into those steps we take along our path to our dreams and you have to be prepared to feel the fear in taking steps and release it.

So go for it. Stop swimming in circles and feeling empty. Walk forward, find inspiration in a relationship with God and people who will love and support you. Stop waiting.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Butterfly dreams

I was just a chubby caterpillar eating alone. But then I found a safe haven to change in. I found the cocoon of God’s love. He made me a new creation. I am changed on the inside but now it is time for me to struggle. I have my wings but they need to persevere through so I can be strong enough to fly. I am fighting my way out and growing stronger and stronger. It’s hard to keep fighting sometimes but now I can see the light through my cocoon. It gives me a hope that I will be flying soon. Even though it feels safe and warm inside my cocoon I know it will be even better when I have persevered to make it outside. I will still have God's love surrounding me but I will be strong enough not to need a cocoon. God has shown me that I have always been a beautiful butterfly but I didn’t know it. All I could see was the chubby caterpillar me eating and eating tied to the tree. He saw the new creation of me, a beautiful butterfly flying free. Thank you, God for making me, me.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Men of integrity

Some things are just right and beautiful with the world. It is right and beautiful that this single woman can go ask a stranger who works for a Kia dealer for help on a car issue and they just help without pay, or reward, or being made famous. They just help without obligation because I needed it and I am a woman who asked.

It is sometimes hard for a woman to ask for help when this world tells us we all need to be these superwomen who can do it all on our own. I didn’t want to impose by asking for this free help I needed. Especially to ask a stranger who answered the phone that didn’t work in that department that was closed hours before.

It is silly really that I felt small asking a guy for help for something I think I “should” be able to figure out myself as a strong smart woman. Yet, today there was a peace in trusting a stranger with a badge to not tell me to “figure it out myself” because it wasn’t his job.

It is all about perspective. How could he possibly know in that moment driving down the freeway, feeling insecure already, sensitive and emotional about struggles of life and very alone when that light on the dashboard flashing a warning light came on. 

I was thinking it was just one more thing today trying to rob my peace I was struggling to find. Maybe if it was in a stronger moment I might have tried to “do it myself” and I could have if I learned how or even knew what that bold light meant but in that moment of weary weakness I just needed to ask a man for help and he did.

God bless him. I am thankful for the men who still want to be men and help women who need them to step up and be the man we need them to be. God knows women need men of integrity who would be this for us. Thank God for these men and God help me not fear asking them.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Quickly Bubble Tea and Me

How often do I want things “Quickly”? Sitting here in the bubble tea capitol of Silicon Valley using the free Wifi as my personal living room space to escape I wondered. Today I had to laugh at the name that speaks to my impatience I have always seemed to have had.

I remember those first naive days when I first moved around the corner from this little shop in Silicon Valley from a very small Washington town. I was so scared at all the crazy California Bay area drivers in such a hurry and getting lost in bad parts of town. 

I was finding my feet beneath me in those first corporate/.com job contracts. I felt they were so way above me and I could not fathom that they wanted to hire this small town girl for them. I was so very lonely those first months and struggling to get through so many things. 

It makes me a little thankful for not living in that tiny room that barely fit a bed in. It was in house with a wet floor from leaky pipes and crazy, drunk, hairy male roommates who would hit on me. Yeah, that was an adventure!

But, you know what? I made it through and found a GPS, a better place to live, a community of friends who have become family, and I have a lot more experience this time around job hunting.

I remember hanging out here and wondering how “Quickly” I could find out if this place could possibly be more than just a pit stop on the way someplace where God would lead me. I wanted answers “now” and I think I still struggle with waiting and having the faith to believe God has my life in His hands and they are better than my own plans and timing. 

He knows I have had EIGHT contract jobs in the three and half years since I moved here.  He knows my dreams and fears and He sees where I am.

Looking around at this place today I am thankful because even though I still can’t see but just a few feet before me I can look back and see how my God was there right beside me in those dark times asking me to just reach out in the blind and trust Him for that next step.   

God just wants us to Trust HIM and leave the anxiety and worry at His feet so he can give us His peace. So very thankful for the peace of God today and His love that guides me. 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The great Ant invasion

So we have a little ant problem at my place. It seems like a little problem but maybe that is determined by your perspective of the problem. Our invasion into our house started about a month ago in the kitchen.

It all started with the smallest of crumbs on the counter and suddenly out of nowhere a parade of ants came visiting this little crumb. It seemed like they were coming from no place and really I think my roommate was too freaked out and just wiped them up without finding out where they were coming from that first time. She wrote me a note saying we had been invaded with lots of exclamation points.

Honestly, I smiled and didn't really take her note seriously. A stinker proud part of me was thinking "that's what happens when you guys leave your dirty dishes everywhere".  It wasn't until a week or so later when I had gone away for a couple of days and came back to my room that I took notice. I came home late at night to find a stream of ants climbing my wall right where I sleep heading a tiny bit left of a cup of tea I had left on my desk.

At first I wanted to because I was tired but, I didn't totally freak out and just wipe them up because I wanted to know where they were coming from to stop the problem at the source. So I followed this long trail and found that they were coming in through a broken seal in my window. I decided I could do one of two things. I could wipe them up and pray they didn't crawl on me at night or I could go to the store at 11pm and get some sealer and spray.

I chose to go to the store and take care of this problem at its root. So I came home and I sealed up that crack and went a bit over to make sure my room was sealed from those invaders.

Thinking back now I think I did the right thing because my roommates are still dealing with the ants in their spaces because they would not do as I did. I shared with them how my problem had been solved when I went to the source of it and took care of it right there sealing them out yet they still battle the every so often invaders.

Insecurity can happen when our boundaries are broken and it's good to seal them up so we are safe in our borders. When we have cracks in our lives that come from weaknesses in our outer fortress those things have room to come in and try to tear us down. Keeping watch and sealing out those things that would take us from our peace is important.

Rest for the weary, power for the weak. God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses and I believe He can be a light to those places where we have cracks in need of restoration and to be sealed so we are safe. His love never ceases to amaze me at how He cares even about even those little ants invading our lives.  Sometimes invaders are bigger but I know my God is stronger than all of them. I have confidence my God is bigger and can and will take care of them for me if they mess with His girl. Oh Yeah, My God loves me like that. He loves you too like that.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Feel the Rain on your face

Have you ever walked outside when it was raining without an umbrella on purpose just to feel the rain drops on your face? Try it. Sometimes it can seem like there are a million rain drops falling but the ones you catch in your mouth can be a little water for your soul.

Our umbrellas keep us dry for the most part but I think sometimes you just need to feel the rain on your face to know its there. Most Californian’s seem to think they are made of sugar and will melt. Honestly, I really used to be that way before I spent 10 years living in Washington state. I have a few umbrellas now yet I rarely use them unless its really pouring.

I think that when we do have just a little rain coming down in the form of trials in our lives we sometimes are too quick to put up the umbrella to shield us from them. We can miss the lesson in really seeing them. Those little lessons from those trials of everyday life can be annoying and tiresome. They can drain our energy and make us lose our hope. Yet I find if you take a moment to look up at that sky that’s falling you can find some peace in perspective of your situation in comparison to the ocean that is not falling on you.

God made those rain drops and even though he did not create the havoc that made them fall in your life. He can be a true umbrella that you can see through. You must have seen those see through umbrellas. They are clear plastic that lets you see the rain’s drops falling on them. When you have a God umbrella you can look up in any storm. Find yours.